Deep breath… here we go. Okay, I have something to share with you all. This is something I’ve thought A LOT about, for months really… whether or not to disclose this information about myself to our readers. For YEARS it’s been something I’ve hidden from most people, including most of my family and many of my closest friends. See, for a perfectionist who tries desperately to impress every individual with whom she comes into contact, full disclosure can be REALLY scary. Admit that I struggle? What? NO WAY. What would people think?? They might start to realize that I’m not perfect, or even worse, they might think that I’m WEAK… This could destroy my facade that everything in my life is put together just perfectly. Well, the reality is far from that. And while I’ve done a pretty impressive job of keeping this to myself, I’m no longer interested in doing so. For one, it’s exhausting- trying to act like nothing is wrong while fighting a Battle Royale inside myself! Second, I’ve realized lately that my struggles are much more common than I ever thought, and that by sharing them, people may actually be able to relate to me better than before. Most importantly, I’ve realized that by sharing this with people, those with similar challenges may actually benefit from knowing that they are not alone, and that it can get better. In fact, having shared this now with a few people, I’ve already come to realize this fact.

So, I’m hoping by now that I’ve caught your attention… What is it, you wonder…? Well, I’d like to introduce you to ED. What (or better yet, who) is ED, you ask? Well, he’s this awful voice in my head that tells me things like, “you are so fat” or “why are you eating that?” and “you realize that you’re not as thin as she is, right?” He’s the voice that REFUSES to allow me to eat anything without considering the caloric content, or what people might think if they see me eating.  See, ED and I have had a long-standing relationship, from as early as about 4th grade. Sometimes he can be completely overwhelming, forcing me to obsess quite literally every moment of the day about food, how my body looks, what other people think of me, and how my body compares to other girls. In some ways, I liken my relationship with ED to that of an abusive boyfriend… I want to get out, desperately, but every time I think I make progress, he seems to pull me right back in.

So, why in the world am I sharing this with you all? Well, believe me, there’s a huge part of me that’s screaming, “I DON’T HAVE A CLUE, CHRISSY… ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY???” (excuse the language… my guess is that’s ED talking… he can be quite vulgar sometimes:). But then there’s this other part of me, this voice that says, “Chrissy, you are human. And your struggles are so much more common than you think. Why not take everything you’ve learned and make it public? Why not share with people what it’s like, and some of the strategies you’ve learned to deal with ED? Why not be real with people about just how debilitating ED can be, and at the same time, how much you can learn from FINALLY dealing with him, head on?”

So, that encouraging voice, along with the support of my very close friends (my fellow Smart Fit Chick, Kellie and my inspirational sister, Sarah) have helped me decide that disclosing this is exactly what I want to do.

See, I’ve kind of been on this authenticity kick lately, inspired by my big brother, Andrew, and Brene Brown (a vulnerability researcher at the University of Houston). I’ve made it a goal of mine lately to live authentically. For me, this means being me, no matter what anyone says or does or thinks of me.

So, where am I going with all of this? Well, I truly do believe in practicing what you preach, and as a Smart Fit Chick, I preach being the best version of oneself. For me, this means addressing my struggles, giving my imperfections some much-needed attention, and learning to improve where I can. This also means living authentically. In order to really do that, I’d feel much better being honest with you all.

So, you can expect a lot more from me about this topic in the coming blog posts. Please, PLEASE don’t hesitate to email me with thoughts, stories, comments or ideas you have (either at smartfitchicks@gmail.com or at christine.a.schaefer@gmail.com).

Finally, as an aside, I want those of you who have opened up to me already, to know how much I appreciate that you trust me with your struggles. All of your stories and experiences inspire me to be open and honest about all of this…

“Wholeheartedness. There are many tenets of Wholeheartedness, but at its very core is vulnerability and worthiness; facing uncertainty, exposure, and emotional risks, and knowing that I am enough.”
― Brené Brown

Thanks for listening 🙂

Chrissy